Archive for the ‘loss and depression’ Category

Loss   9 comments

How to define without coming across as a whiny whinge moron.

Do not know so to hell with it and I will do it anyway.

So my lesson which I have to learn is Loss, which most people suffer from at some time in their life, so why this? I do not know. How much is enough, and how can you write or explain how it felt 30 years ago, or even 2 weeks, so someone else can understand, not sympathise, but just understand. Tricky, but I would not be trying if it were not important.

First thing first, how do I know it is Loss I need to learn? Because over the last couple of days I have been told this direct into the brain, not a suggestion, but as Fact. The “other” way The Gods talk to me, rather than through dream/visions, of which I had the confirming one this morning just before I woke up. But I will come to that in a bit.

But over the last few days I have been thinking about what have I lost, important things, over the years. And some of these I have not thought about for years. Memories have been stirred, and in the past I have thought about and accepted, so the Pain has been dealt with.

So going back, way back, when I was 3ish being put in care in East London because mother Rita could not cope with 3 small kids between 1 and 5 after him leaving her. I have remembered snapshots of me running away from care back to mother in tears and her sending me back into care. How the hell I found Rita I know not, but I was probably guided to her by Andi and my Gods, even back then.

Fast forward a few years to 6 and my only friend in school was Samantha Wild, She was the only one to play with me, but then her family moved to Scotland. I lost my only friend in the world. I still think about her now and again.

Age 7. I was told, no forbidden, to phone Rita ever again, only because she told him that I was not his. From that day I lost my pride, self-respect, self-confidence, and then the shit really hit the fan at home. Including self-destruction, well I tried anyway.

Whiz forward, see the years fly by to when I was 16, found the Voice, the first Woman I ever Loved, but not in love with. My Angel.

17 Started to lose mobility, sleep and ability due to the disease which is raping every joint in my body, from my neck down to my toes. The older I get, the less movement from my joints and the more pain. DNA, I was made this way.

21 Angel disappeared from public view, I was crushed, despite many letters sent to Her, asking to work with Her, all were sent back RTS.

24 Lost my father and everything I thought I knew about me when he told me I was a bastard, “no son of mine”. Including my place within the “Family home” Guilt, Rage, Pain, Anger, but most of all Loss.

24/5 Lost my nephew aged about 7. No age to die, even though I bargained with Morrigan, my Dark Queen, I still remained and She took him.

28 Lost my freedom, although I knew it not then, but I know it now. Also I further lost any self-respect or pride over the years. It is just that I did not see it until it was way too late. Also lost my only two goods friends, due to situations beyond my control.

30 Angel came back into public view

31/2 Angel went from public view, again. Once again my loss.

33ish Finally lost my mind to depression, about 8 years in a wasteland, living on auto pilot not giving a shit about anything, least of all myself. Just doing to keep the family fed and clothed and amused.

40ish Angel on FB, me on FB, me told Angel how I felt, me left FB

41 Angel left FB

41 Lost my ability to leave due to conscience.

Sept last year, got Greebo, 6 week old black tabby tom kitten, which we were told was female and black

2 weeks ago, Greebo went out for the loo, and as not come back, with no sight nor sound of Him in this entire estate. That ripped the guts out of me. I have been in tears about that.

Even more so over the last 5 years or so, eyes are getting worse, short term memory is getting worse, and spelling is really getting worse. Even Long term is going a bit, songs which I have known and sang along to for years I can not remember the words. Also lost the ability to play guitar and I have not been able to meditate for more that 20 minutes for so long. And my ability to visualise has also gone to the wall.

Thursday last, I asked why must I keep losing out, why am I a loser. I was told To Learn.

This Morning (Saturday) (dream/vision) I was wearing my Studded Leather Jacket. Some kid standing behind me near a group of others I turned around, away, he jumped onto my back. I flipped my shoulders and he fell onto the floor, face first. I was kicking at his face, pulled his head back and slammed it again and again into the floor, (which is NOT how I do things, I wait for them to get up and then knock them down again, when they do not get up, I walk away. I Have Rules). By rights not even his dentist would have been able to identify him after what I did to his face. Yet not one drop of blood anywhere. I then bodily picked him up. One hand on his collar the other on his seat, raised him above my head and threw him head first onto the ground. In reality I have a fucked back and a very fucked hand. I might be able to pick up a cat, but not a person.

First reaction upon waking was Gods I am going to lose it in a fight, but then clarification came through, direct into my brain. Where Bloodless fighting, no-one dies, where? Everisle, the Land of Eternal Youth. Warrior skills and feats and tests, but no blood and no-one dies. The Home of the Gods and my Ancestors.

So have I learned my lesson? I think so, they think maybe. I will die and pass onwards with my Dark Queen to Everisle, where I will be whole and welcomed.

But it appears that I can not go just yet. But I really do not care anymore, I am going and passing over to there somewhen. It will happen, so what is a few years more. Why can I not go yet? I still have a job to do, which is look after Hilary, regardless of my ability, I have to look after her. For if I go then Jinkx will have to look after her Mother, and that will not be fair on the Kid. It is hard enough for me, let alone someone else having to do it. So I wait for Hil to pass over, wherever She decides to go to upon her death, then I will pass onwards and be judged worthy of my Gods and Ancestors.

 

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