Loss   9 comments

How to define without coming across as a whiny whinge moron.

Do not know so to hell with it and I will do it anyway.

So my lesson which I have to learn is Loss, which most people suffer from at some time in their life, so why this? I do not know. How much is enough, and how can you write or explain how it felt 30 years ago, or even 2 weeks, so someone else can understand, not sympathise, but just understand. Tricky, but I would not be trying if it were not important.

First thing first, how do I know it is Loss I need to learn? Because over the last couple of days I have been told this direct into the brain, not a suggestion, but as Fact. The “other” way The Gods talk to me, rather than through dream/visions, of which I had the confirming one this morning just before I woke up. But I will come to that in a bit.

But over the last few days I have been thinking about what have I lost, important things, over the years. And some of these I have not thought about for years. Memories have been stirred, and in the past I have thought about and accepted, so the Pain has been dealt with.

So going back, way back, when I was 3ish being put in care in East London because mother Rita could not cope with 3 small kids between 1 and 5 after him leaving her. I have remembered snapshots of me running away from care back to mother in tears and her sending me back into care. How the hell I found Rita I know not, but I was probably guided to her by Andi and my Gods, even back then.

Fast forward a few years to 6 and my only friend in school was Samantha Wild, She was the only one to play with me, but then her family moved to Scotland. I lost my only friend in the world. I still think about her now and again.

Age 7. I was told, no forbidden, to phone Rita ever again, only because she told him that I was not his. From that day I lost my pride, self-respect, self-confidence, and then the shit really hit the fan at home. Including self-destruction, well I tried anyway.

Whiz forward, see the years fly by to when I was 16, found the Voice, the first Woman I ever Loved, but not in love with. My Angel.

17 Started to lose mobility, sleep and ability due to the disease which is raping every joint in my body, from my neck down to my toes. The older I get, the less movement from my joints and the more pain. DNA, I was made this way.

21 Angel disappeared from public view, I was crushed, despite many letters sent to Her, asking to work with Her, all were sent back RTS.

24 Lost my father and everything I thought I knew about me when he told me I was a bastard, “no son of mine”. Including my place within the “Family home” Guilt, Rage, Pain, Anger, but most of all Loss.

24/5 Lost my nephew aged about 7. No age to die, even though I bargained with Morrigan, my Dark Queen, I still remained and She took him.

28 Lost my freedom, although I knew it not then, but I know it now. Also I further lost any self-respect or pride over the years. It is just that I did not see it until it was way too late. Also lost my only two goods friends, due to situations beyond my control.

30 Angel came back into public view

31/2 Angel went from public view, again. Once again my loss.

33ish Finally lost my mind to depression, about 8 years in a wasteland, living on auto pilot not giving a shit about anything, least of all myself. Just doing to keep the family fed and clothed and amused.

40ish Angel on FB, me on FB, me told Angel how I felt, me left FB

41 Angel left FB

41 Lost my ability to leave due to conscience.

Sept last year, got Greebo, 6 week old black tabby tom kitten, which we were told was female and black

2 weeks ago, Greebo went out for the loo, and as not come back, with no sight nor sound of Him in this entire estate. That ripped the guts out of me. I have been in tears about that.

Even more so over the last 5 years or so, eyes are getting worse, short term memory is getting worse, and spelling is really getting worse. Even Long term is going a bit, songs which I have known and sang along to for years I can not remember the words. Also lost the ability to play guitar and I have not been able to meditate for more that 20 minutes for so long. And my ability to visualise has also gone to the wall.

Thursday last, I asked why must I keep losing out, why am I a loser. I was told To Learn.

This Morning (Saturday) (dream/vision) I was wearing my Studded Leather Jacket. Some kid standing behind me near a group of others I turned around, away, he jumped onto my back. I flipped my shoulders and he fell onto the floor, face first. I was kicking at his face, pulled his head back and slammed it again and again into the floor, (which is NOT how I do things, I wait for them to get up and then knock them down again, when they do not get up, I walk away. I Have Rules). By rights not even his dentist would have been able to identify him after what I did to his face. Yet not one drop of blood anywhere. I then bodily picked him up. One hand on his collar the other on his seat, raised him above my head and threw him head first onto the ground. In reality I have a fucked back and a very fucked hand. I might be able to pick up a cat, but not a person.

First reaction upon waking was Gods I am going to lose it in a fight, but then clarification came through, direct into my brain. Where Bloodless fighting, no-one dies, where? Everisle, the Land of Eternal Youth. Warrior skills and feats and tests, but no blood and no-one dies. The Home of the Gods and my Ancestors.

So have I learned my lesson? I think so, they think maybe. I will die and pass onwards with my Dark Queen to Everisle, where I will be whole and welcomed.

But it appears that I can not go just yet. But I really do not care anymore, I am going and passing over to there somewhen. It will happen, so what is a few years more. Why can I not go yet? I still have a job to do, which is look after Hilary, regardless of my ability, I have to look after her. For if I go then Jinkx will have to look after her Mother, and that will not be fair on the Kid. It is hard enough for me, let alone someone else having to do it. So I wait for Hil to pass over, wherever She decides to go to upon her death, then I will pass onwards and be judged worthy of my Gods and Ancestors.

 

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9 responses to “Loss

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  1. I’ve come to understand bonds and their loss as interlocking wheels turning. We’re joined while the wheels turn in contact with one another, parted when they separate again. Some stay in contact a long time, some just briefly, but they part again, always, if only because we’re mortal.

    No, that does nothing for the pain. When Matty died, I spent a lot of time driving aimlessly around the country wondering why I wasn’t on that bike with him, why he had to leave me and I had to stay here and wish to be dead. There were reasons, of course; I live with two of them. But the pain was there, and still is; I miss him more than I can say.

    But what the wheels have done for me is make me realize that there’s no fault in it, in any of it. Even if we do everything “right,” those wheels still turn.

    Accepting death is a right thing; not accepting what’s inevitable is the path to ripping ourselves apart. But accepting doesn’t have to mean welcoming, or hastening. You’re here for something for you, as well, not just for others. Our own wheels are the only ones we’re sure to stay in contact with our whole lives.

    The vision you describe raises this question in me: What is it you have to fight in a way you have never fought before? The lack of blood says it’s not a literal, physical fight. What ideas are you going to have to change in order to win?

    Gypsy Lizardkilt
    • I have been lucky that I have never tasted that Loss, apart from maybe my Nephew, but never a Lover, ( hell I have only had three, the last one I married). But you are right, I have said much the same to others on here and elsewhere, Paths cross, join together and part, maybe coming together again.

      I am here to learn, because the only thing I ever wanted was to work with Angel, but I know Hilary will lose it totally if I was working with her, even though I do not feel anything sexual towards Her. Way to jealous for my own good. And now I can no longer play, I would not even be able to do it even if I could. Which is why I mentally walked away, I am of no use to her that way.

      I have lived the best I could with what I have, I have learned from others and taught others and then learned from them.

      You know well what ideals I will have to change, Start putting me first for a change, but my conscience does get in the way big time, I NEED to make a difference to others lives, a better difference. ’tis what is right to me, while my life just coasts along. Living in a shack in the middle of nowhere with electric to boil the kettle and use the PC will do me fine, Nothing else I need 🙂 I would be happy like that, my music, tea, and people at a distance, basic homemade food. bliss.

      • I led a pretty quiet life in terms of relationships until I hit the rather arbitrary age of 38. Then all hell broke loose. I guess it took that long to get everyone where they needed to be, and me ready to deal with the possibilities that were being presented to me. Even a year ago, let alone seven, I wouldn’t have been able to even consider the possibility of loving more than one man at once. I knew polyfolk existed, but I couldn’t have been one of them, not me.

        Now that I’m seeing the patterns, how everything fits together and keeps fitting together, it’s helped with the regrets that sometimes hit me (If I’d met them sooner, been able to stop running way sooner, been able to accept that there were other possibilities than the white-picket fence….). I met Kiltbomb through The Scientist, and it was the tension I felt standing between them that eventually bounced me into Lizardking. It’s all been a cycle.

        Lizardking says it’s good we didn’t meet 20 years ago, no matter how much it feels like wasted time. “I was a bastard then. And Kiltbomb was 7.” (Ow.) And now maybe it’s going to prove out that The Scientist isn’t through with us, or we with him.

        And part of the balance all this has taught me? It is possible to put yourself first and still do for others; for those called by the spirits to serve, it’s necessary. It doesn’t have to be one or the other as long as it’s truly both instead of one masquerading as the other. I reeled from one extreme to the other for 25 years, and it wounded my life. Now I’m finding other ways. I think you might be doing that as well, under your own set of circumstances. More preparation for the brewing storm?

        Gypsy Lizardkilt
  2. I have found that as well, it all fits, things happen and happen again, and what LK said is so true. We are not the same as we once were. … Has I am now so you shall be, as you are now so once was I ,,, But maybe there is room for the Scientist within your little tribe, I do not see why not.

    In truth, being totally honest with you here, for the record and all that, my point being, what I mean is, ….. sorry I can not think of anymore, otherwise I would have kept going, just for the hell of it. Here is the thing, the thing is this, Two more for you, because I can.

    I am Balanced now, and while at this time I will never be with Angel or Have my shack, those are the only two things I needed/wanted/wished. I can not have those and help/look after Hil and Jinkx, it is just not possible at all, but really I am fine about it. I did forget about myself for a few years, doing a seven day week and all housework/cleaning et al, as well as an hour travel on the bus each way, kept it up for a couple of months until my body crashed, but those days are long gone. Has for the self destruction, that is way behind me now.

    I have been called to serve others, and I am very happy with that, and I was called to come on here and write about things, and to read other things, to stick my beak in places where it may not be wanted, just because I can, and feel the need to. Sometimes it is unwelcome by others and I accept that and although I read, and maybe Like what is written, I do not offer input, because it is not wanted. Again with this I am happy with my roles.

    I do my festivals how I want to, when I want to, and only those which I feel I need to, unless I am guided to do others, Then I will do. As far as Angel goes, I gave my Oath that I will never darken Her door again, unless it was important, and I mean very important, like when She was apparently accused of being a fake on FB. I had already left, and She left after the incident, but a friend told me about it. I was spitting feathers and wanted to get the guy who had done this, but no-one would pass on messages or tell me who it was. Some asshole abusing a Woman I really care about will always get my blood up. to the point of throwing every curse I can at them, and then hunting them down and physically deal with them as well. Assholes who abuse Woman I have no ties to will get a lesson in receiving the treatment back. This is all what I am, but so much more now.

    But my Path is not yet over, Morrigan Has not yet called me, because I am on here typing, So I may get my Shack, I may not, but it matters not. I do not push myself these days, not always helping everyone else, I can not do it anymore. But I know what you are saying but unless I really have been hoodwinked by myself, no I am not doing that, have not for a long time, to the point of being almost a lazy assed git nowadays.:)

    I do get a kick out of helping others, advising others, teaching others, learning from others. But now I feel I have learned the lesson I needed to learn, it is just a case of coasting along, unless The Gods throw me a curveball now and again, like Angel going into the local chippy again. I am no longer bitter, twisted, Pained. Those who really hurt me in the Past, including recent past can no longer mentally hurt me, I cut, I bleed, but I feel no pain from them, not anymore. The wheels turn, the cycle will complete itself to start again, my path will go on, this way and that, and one day my path will take me away from here, (I mean Hull, not Living, although I am pretty sure that will happen too).

    • I think there is a place for The Scientist, and not just because we’ve apparently danced a four-way dance through multiple lifetimes. The biggest obstacle to it is likely to be him. He’s nothing if not deeply rational, and this is not a rational-mind situation in any way. It could be that he’s the one to bring some of that energy to it; that’s part of balance, too. I’m still working up my nerve, since I got elected to open the discussion with him (Gee…thanks, guys,).

      You, it seems to me, have been steered onto a life-path you weren’t expecting or looking for. I’m an old hand at that. 🙂 And the one thing that’s had to keep happening for me to not jump off something high is finding new things to want when the past ones were denied me. A new path means new possibilities, maybe ones you’ve never even considered before. What I planned to be at 16 is not what I am now (oh boy, is it ever not!). Nor is what I planned to be at 20, 25, or even three months ago. But if I hadn’t stayed open to possibilities — including ones that were impossibilities before — look what I would have missed.

      You’ve been taken to this place. Where can you go from here that you maybe couldn’t get to from anywhere else? Could opening up to those possibilities be the fight of your vision? It would certainly mean a change in ideas.

      Gypsy Lizardkilt
      • It is funny that the guys elected you to do it, I hope it goes well today, but being has you are the glue between the four of you, I guess it had to be you.

        ’tis my own fault to be fair. I ignored the warning, stayed put, got married, stayed married, and now I am here and now wondering if time travel is possible, back to me being 16 when I first fucked up by moving with the family, but would I be who I am now? no, so this is for the best in the best of all worlds. We are molded by our lives and if we stay the same over the last 30 years, we would have lost nothing, but gained nothing, so learned nothing at all.

        We will see what life has in store for me, it shall be interesting, to say the least.

  3. It went better than I probably had any right to expect. I suppose it was going to go easier if I was the one talking about sex to him, no matter the context. *laugh*

    We’re both on adventures, fella. 🙂 Very different ones, but adventures still. I think if there was ever anything at all to the 2012 stuff (and I have strong reservations about that; our calendar ends every year without major incident, after all), it was that kind of thing on a large scale. I’ve noticed a lot of more personal relationships with Deity — and the attendant Pagan Community Slap-Fights ™ over it — happening out there. Communication is shifting. We might indeed be weird around here, but I don’t think we will be for long.

    Gypsy Lizardkilt
    • Yes we are, and it has been my Honour and Privilege to have traveled these last few miles with you, But these days it is different, I remember in the past walking with one on their path and then losing touch with them for ever, but now I can walk with many, all over this Earth, and always find their Path again, never losing touch, even if our directions are vastly different from each other. But to me it seems that some do not know this difference, or have forgotten that it was like that before the i-net.

      According to legend this new age is the enlightened age according to the Hopi and Mayan so this does tie in with the personal relationships with God and yes the slap-fights as well. Some of us may have had out receptors upgraded a little, depending on how open-minded we are, methinks, because then we can accept God talking to us, has it were. Has to whether we will all become psychic? who knows, but reading my own thoughts is bad enough for me, let along everyone else in this city. 😦 .Communication is shifting and mankind will change over the next few generations.

      Think back to the ’80’s, how many of us Weird ones were there, and now, everyone knows someone who follows a Path, and for some they are the only ones whom they converse with.

      • If TS is right about human beings beginning to properly take up our role in Gaia’s workings (and he’s usually right about things he reaches the point of being willing to discuss), we’re all going to get sending and receiving upgrades eventually. I believe we’re all psychic already; it’s just that the majority of us don’t ever do anything with it, and no one does all that’s possible, not yet. That might well be what gets the upgrades, because psychic facilities really aren’t anything more than communication abilities on a different level. Gaia is learning from this, too, including how we’ll best fit into the system. I don’t think it’s going to be the way we’re being invited to connect; it can’t be until humanity gets a healthier attitude toward sex.

        I think where the millennialists go wrong (each and every time) is forgetting that evolution is a slow process. They get the word that something’s going to happen, that a change is going to begin, and they flip out and assume it’s all going to happen overnight. But evolution simply doesn’t work that way. It’s a slower process, not a crash into complete, instantaneous change. We’re seeing the very beginning of that change; I doubt any of us will be around long enough to see the end of it. The end of the beginning, possibly.

        Gypsy Lizardkilt

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